1:20am

So many conflicting influences in my life right now.

And I'm not just talking substance abuse.

There are so many truly beautiful people in my life right now, both inside and out, and every single day I aspire to  better embody some of those qualities.

In the past few weeks I have had more social stress than I believed possible, but because of those days and nights I can literally feel myself growing into the person I am meant to be.  How cool is that?  I love those almost existential moments, where I observe myself and realize where I will go because of this moment.

I've realized that my definition of a "full life" may be a bit skewed, but that is what I believe the summer is for.  As I've always said: Summer is the time to understand who you are.  School is the time to question everything you thought you knew.  

I can feel that I've lost myself a little bit this school year.  I don't appreciate the little things like I used to.  I don't take the time to notice the color and shape of a flower; I walk too quickly to even truly observe it; it is merely a splash of color in my day.

I don't know how I feel about my personal relationships with people.  I have all of these beautiful new friends, as I've already said, but I don't feel that I've truly connected with these people the way that I have with my old friends, who have spread across the state like dandelion seeds.  Please don't misinterpret, I love my life here.  I am in no way shape or form jealous that I didn't leave.  This place is my home.  I have school pride, and I desire to better my adopted community.  I just miss that instant connection with my friends.  The old inside jokes, the ability to relate it to "that one time in 7th grade with our English teacher."  Those are the things I miss. 

I guess this is the problem.  I am willing to work and try and build something for so long before I tend to flake out.  This problem happens all of the time, particularly in relationships, and I am so tired of it.  I don't mean to jump ship, but I somehow do, swimming 50 meters away before I even realize what is going on.  In the words of Arizona Robbins "I bail".  But I don't bail when times get tough; I bail while things still seem to be going great.  I freak out, bail, and have no explanation for what happened.

So I guess this 1:20 am rambling is to say I'm sorry.  I don't know how to fix it, and I love the rest of my life so much that, in the end, I loose perspective.