Thought Catalog: This Is How I Imagine You

This Is How I Imagine You

Jul. 10, 2013

By Jamie Delos Reyes 

I’m really happy you’re my girlfriend, but here’s the thing:
You don’t really know we’re together.
Before anyone calls me crazy, let me backtrack a bit. You’ve been my friend for awhile. I like you and you like me and I know this because you actually told me. You’re brave that way. We’ve kissed before and it was amazing. We can talk about politics and feminism and that thing that made you cry yesterday, about F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and Breaking Bad, about your brother and my sister. We’ve shared poems and songs and fears and plans freely, knowing we won’t be judged for anything we say.
In the past, you had your boyfriend and I had my girlfriend, but it didn’t work out and now we’re unattached. We’re free to do as we please, so got closer. But after all the time we’ve spent together, after all the words we’ve said, we’re stuck in a limbo we never saw coming.
Basically, nothing is happening.
So I started making this picture. The borders began with daydreams, and my imagination filled the rest in. In this picture, you like Japanese food and staying in during the weekends. We read books and travel together. We have similar tastes in movies, and our conversation never falls flat.
In that image, I am interesting and you are interested, and few things are awkward between us. I am comfortable with your hugs, and you feel safe with me. We have intellectual conversations and silly ones, but we understand each other even in silence. I cook for you and you actually like what I make. We’ve been sick, ugly, dirty and disgusting with each other, I’ve showed you my freaky and you’ve let me inside your weird. That picture shows us going past the first “I love you” and saying many more intimate things since. In that photo, we are together at last and it’s all amazing.
If I were to be honest, though, if I were to set that picture aside for a while, something is telling me that I’m doing this because I am afraid. I’m afraid that the image of you in my head is vastly different from who you really are. Maybe you hate sushi and prefer reading comic books over novels.
Maybe you’ll think I’m silly for loving autumn when all you can see are dead leaves. Maybe you’ll love cold weather better. Maybe you can’t stand the way I’m quiet most times, and I can’t bear your need to be around people so much. We might be so bored with each other, we’ll prefer cleaning the house instead.
I also like this picture of you because it has no power to hurt me. It gives me pleasure, the empty kind yes, but pleasure nonetheless. This picture is mere wind that passes through me while the real you can crawl through my veins and rupture them from within should you so choose. I am not up for that, and I can feel that the intensity of a new relationship is something you aren’t prepared for, too.
So let me be happy with this picture of you for a little while more. I will rip it up and throw it away when I’m ready and when I’m finally certain that you are, too. I’m aware that inaction still brings with it the possibility of losing each other, but I believe that this is a risk that we don’t have to take yet.
Perhaps we still need time to heal from our previous relationships. There might still be things in us that we need to fix by ourselves. Maybe it’s not true that nothing is happening, but that at this moment in our lives, simple friendship is what we need the most. We need to take it slow, to know each other more, so that you can be more solid to me than any picture will ever be.
I have a confession, though. Right now in my head, we’re cuddled on my messy bed, gently tangled in each other and finally watching that movie we’ve always wanted to.
Right now, I am satisfied. Right now, we are perfect.

Sometimes The Best Thing To Do Is Nothing

Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves… is nothing at all. Initially, at least. It takes some real mastery of self-control, but it’s well worth it in the end. Sometimes we can go to bed and wake up the next day and things just look completely different. Give it a week, a month, a year, and all of a sudden things aren’t so bad. We won’t react to them the way we would have when they initially happened. And besides, by that point, we’ve usually filled our minds with other worries and irrational concerns. It’s really a never-ending cycle we put ourselves through.

You just shouldn’t make any decisions immediately after something profound happens in your life. We have this mechanism of self where we want to mediate our feelings and do whatever will make us feel better initially. But that doesn’t always mean something that we’ll be happy with in the long-run.

So take a break from dating after the breakup. Save the email you want to send, and look at it tomorrow. Hold off on the phone call that’s going to decide something significant in your life. Give yourself a chance to process. On a grander scale, learn to just be. Stop your pursuit of all things greater and let what you have be great enough.

Because beyond what we figure out ourselves, whether we want to acknowledge it or not, there is some external force at work. You can believe in it or not, but either way it will affect you. As such is the case, you’re best off ensuring that it works in your favor– and you do that by trusting.

I know its hard sometimes, because we’re in this cataclysmal blip and nothing makes sense most of the time, we don’t know why we’re here or what we’re supposed to do. What we do know is that we began, we will end, and in retrospect, things seem to come together in ways that we did not intend and that we did not outline for ourselves. If that’s not enough of a cue to let go of control, I don’t know what is.

Taken from Thought Catalog

By Brianna Wiest

Road, Ladder, Box, Horizon

So I'm reading Gray by Pete Wentz, and I come across this little part of the book that sounded familiar.  It's some kind of mental exercise that I remember doing back when I was 15 or so with my friends.  I could never remember it, so once I realized what it was I immediately took the prompts, filled in my bits, and then looked at the results.  I don't know what this exercise it called, but would love any guidance for names of it.

Imagine yourself walking down a road.  Look around the road.  What time of day is it? What does the road look like? Are there people on it? Do you feel safe?

I'm walking down a road that is worn and solid with the black tar lines and skid marks of reckless drivers, There isn't a shoulder to the roads, and the sides dip off, the road is tattered a bit at the edges.  It leads towards a little ditch but the area feels comfortable, familiar.  Like a back country road.  It's dusk with a little more dark than light, and I seem to be the only one on it.  I feel totally safe.  Kicking along little rocks and walking down the middle of the road.  I'd guess it's two lanes wide, but there is no paint on the road to tell me if I'm right.

At the end of the road is a ladder.  What does the ladder look like? Is it made out of metal or wood? Is it sturdy? How tall is it? Would you feel safe climbing it?

The ladder at the end of the road is made of wood and, for some inexplicable reason, is standing straight up.  Even though it is one of those lean-to ladders that you would have to put up against a roof or something.  It looks worn in and reliable, but it isn't anything that I would really want to climb.  It's anywhere from 7-8 feet tall.  I would climb it if I had to, but not by myself.

Next to the ladder, there is a box.  What is the box made out of? How big is it? Is there anything inside of it? Is it open or closed? Where is it compared to the ladder?

Next to the ladder is a cardboard box.  It's a medium-large sized box that has a few old packaging slips and pieces of old tape stuck to it.  Like the box had been reused.  The edges are crumpled in a bit, just some normal wear and tear.  The box is empty and part of the lid flaps in the wind.  This box is within inches of the ladder to the right.

Picture a storm coming in over your head.  It then clears away.  Look up at the horizon.  What do you see? Is it clear? 

Huge rain clouds roll in.  There is lighting and thunder in the air, but no drops fall.  The feel in the air changes.  The way the world smells changes.  The way everything looks changes.  Once the storm rolls away the sky is a dark blue.  It was already turning to night when it came, and the clouds were there just long enough to cover up any last transition.  I can still see some clouds in the distance, but they are comforting and highlight the full moon and stars that are starting to light the sky.

Results:
Road: The road represents how you see your own life and the path you are taking.  It's whether you see it as safe or dangerous and whether the people in it are good or bad.
Ladder: The ladder represents your relationship and friendships whether they are strong and safe, and how important they are to you.
Box: The box represents how you see yourself, how strong you are and whether you are open or closed.
Horizon: The horizon represents how you see your future and whether you are hopeful or fearful.