Normal

Things are kind of going back to normal.  Still stressed up to my eyeballs, and I still feel kind of lost by it all.  But this kind of windy nostalgic weather rejuvenates me.  (Maybe I should have gone to the University of Oregon!)  

List of things I know:

• I shouldn't be wasting time right now
• I have officially given up soda
• My research paper over Chekhov could rock, if I could just focus.
• I am never taking 18/20 hours again (maybe...)
• I want my best friends to be back in my life.  Not having them here (mentally or physically) sucks.  They have held me together since longer than I can remember.  They keep me grounded.  They remind me of who I truly am.  They know me better than I know myself.
• Although I don't have them here (and no one has replaced them) I feel like I still have people I can turn to, granted I can't turn to them the way I used to, but I have people, and that makes me happy
• I should start eating lunch again; I've been forgetting to and then it messes me up later on in the day
• This year may have had its ups and downs, but I am so thankful for the Intern program.  It led me to strengthen, create, and maintain friendships that otherwise never would have occurred.  

I have so many blessings in my life, and it is really hard to remain angry about being so stressed, when I am fortunate enough to have all of these opportunities in my life that so many don't have.

This summer will be great, a mix of the old and the new.  

Friends, Lovers, or Nothing by John Mayer

Now that we are over as the loving kind
We'll be dreaming ways to keep the good alive
Only when we want is not a compromise
I'd be pouring tears into your drying eyes

Friends, lovers or nothing
There can only be one
Friends, lovers or nothing
There'll never be an in-between, so give it up

You whisper "come on over" 'cause you're two drinks in
But in the morning, I will say goodbye again
Think we'll never fall into the jealous game?
The streets all flood with blood of those who felt the same

Friends, lovers or nothing
There can only be one
Friends, lovers or nothing
There'll never be an in-between, so give it up

Friends, lovers or nothing
We can really only ever be one
Friends, lovers or nothing
We'll never be the in-between, so give it up
We'll never be the in-between, so give it up

Anything other than yes is no
Anything other than stay is go
Anything less than "I love you" is lying

Anything other than yes is no
Anything other than stay is go
Anything less than "I love you" is lying

Anything other than yes is no
Anything other than stay is go
Anything less than "I love you" is lying

Anything other than yes is no
Anything other than stay is go
Anything less than "I love you" is lying

Anything other than yes is no
Anything other than stay is go
Anything less than "I love you" is lying

Anything other than yes is no
Anything other than stay is go
Anything less than "I love you" is lying

Anything other than yes is no
Anything other than stay is go
Anything less than "I love you" is lying

Not totally accurate, but damn, I love how my iPod always picks the right songs.  The songs that it knows I should hear.

Back to the basics

I feel like I've kind of lost myself lately, especially in the last few months. I want to get back to me.

I used to know who I was. Now I've got some questions, but I feel like I have a general idea, and it is what keeps me going through. I am a nerd. Not in the fake 3D glasses, bright neon colors and fake suspenders way with a cute side ponytail. No, I am the person who holes herself up in bed to finish the latest in whatever installment I've been reading. The person who normally would rather spend a Friday or Saturday night by myself cleaning, organizing, and maybe watching the Food Network. I'm the kind of person who would rather play with my little brothers than half of the people I know. That is because I tend to be a bit of a homebody. Shocking, I know, but totally the truth. Don't get me wrong, I can go out and have a great time like no one's business, but later on I look back and go "yeah, that was great, but I could have started (insert book title here) and made Eggplant Parmesan" I feel like this year has stretched me in ways I wasn't expecting. I've learned the art of deception, and I hate it. Granted, I don't use it because I still believe that 95% of the time it is better to tell the truth, but the fact that I have those thoughts leaves me slightly disgusted with myself.

Okay, enough time has been wasted avoiding homework. I need to focus. That is something else I lost, the ability to sit for hours at one task (unless it is reading)

Love,

M.

The Thief and the Dogs

"You seek the walls, not the heart" -27

" 'What wonderful days those were!' 'Say that, if you can, about the present" -28

" 'Have you thought about your future?' Said lit a cigarette. 'My past hasn't yet allowed me to consider the future,' " -43

"You made me and now you reject me" -47

" But why do we curse our anxiety and fears?  In the end don't they save us the trouble of thinking about the future" -57

"Your burning heart yearns for shade, yet continues forward under the fire of the sun" -79

12:32am: An early night for the insomniac

I had one of those moments today where you can feel stuff clicking into place.

The kind of day where you feel that everything will be alright in the end.  All of your "big" problems just seem to kind of, well, miniscule.

I have plans for my life, and I can't wait to watch them unfold.

"In a famous letter to Johann Joachim Eschenburg (December 31, 1778), Lessing relates the death of his infant son, who 'understood the world so well that he left it at the first opportunity.'"

Nietzsche

"In some remote corner of the universe, poured out and glittering in innumerable solar systems,there once was a star on which clever animals invented knowledge. That was the highest and most mendacious minute of "world history"—yet only a minute. After nature had drawn a few breaths the star grew cold, and the clever animals had to die.

One might invent such a fable and still not have illustrated sufficiently how wretched, how shadowy and flighty, how aimless and arbitrary, the human intellect appears in nature. There have been eternities when it did not exist; and when it is done for again, nothing will have happened. For this intellect has no further mission that would lead beyond human life. It is human, rather, and only its owner and producer gives it such importance, as if the world pivoted around it. But if we could communicate with the mosquito, then we would learn that he floats through the air with the same self-importance, feeling within itself the flying center of the world.

There is nothing in nature so despicable or insignificant that it cannot immediately be blown up like a bag by a slight breath of this power of knowledge; and just as every porter wants an admirer, the proudest human being, the philosopher, thinks that he sees on the eyes of the universe telescopically focused from all sides on his actions and thoughts."

1:20am

So many conflicting influences in my life right now.

And I'm not just talking substance abuse.

There are so many truly beautiful people in my life right now, both inside and out, and every single day I aspire to  better embody some of those qualities.

In the past few weeks I have had more social stress than I believed possible, but because of those days and nights I can literally feel myself growing into the person I am meant to be.  How cool is that?  I love those almost existential moments, where I observe myself and realize where I will go because of this moment.

I've realized that my definition of a "full life" may be a bit skewed, but that is what I believe the summer is for.  As I've always said: Summer is the time to understand who you are.  School is the time to question everything you thought you knew.  

I can feel that I've lost myself a little bit this school year.  I don't appreciate the little things like I used to.  I don't take the time to notice the color and shape of a flower; I walk too quickly to even truly observe it; it is merely a splash of color in my day.

I don't know how I feel about my personal relationships with people.  I have all of these beautiful new friends, as I've already said, but I don't feel that I've truly connected with these people the way that I have with my old friends, who have spread across the state like dandelion seeds.  Please don't misinterpret, I love my life here.  I am in no way shape or form jealous that I didn't leave.  This place is my home.  I have school pride, and I desire to better my adopted community.  I just miss that instant connection with my friends.  The old inside jokes, the ability to relate it to "that one time in 7th grade with our English teacher."  Those are the things I miss. 

I guess this is the problem.  I am willing to work and try and build something for so long before I tend to flake out.  This problem happens all of the time, particularly in relationships, and I am so tired of it.  I don't mean to jump ship, but I somehow do, swimming 50 meters away before I even realize what is going on.  In the words of Arizona Robbins "I bail".  But I don't bail when times get tough; I bail while things still seem to be going great.  I freak out, bail, and have no explanation for what happened.

So I guess this 1:20 am rambling is to say I'm sorry.  I don't know how to fix it, and I love the rest of my life so much that, in the end, I loose perspective.

2:20am

I want things to happen between us.
I feel that it is what I need.
You could be the change I need to see in my world.

It feels so weird, like something was about to possibly happen, and then it just stopped.

All with no real reason or rhyme.
Just another way I lost track of time