Found an unpublished post from April 4, 2012 1:20am

So I found the following post saved under my drafts from Spring semester.  I think it's funny that despite the 7th month gap my feelings are still basically the same.


So many conflicting influences in my life right now.

There are so many truly beautiful people in my life right now, both inside and out, and every single day I aspire to  better embody some of those qualities.

In the past few weeks I have had more social stress than I believed possible, but because of those days and nights I can literally feel myself growing into the person I am meant to be.  How cool is that?  I love those almost existential moments, where I observe myself and realize where I will go because of this moment.

I've realized that my definition of a "full life" may be a bit skewed, but that is what I believe the summer is for.  As I've always said: Summer is the time to understand who you are.  School is the time to question everything you thought you knew.  

I can feel that I've lost myself a little bit this school year.  I don't appreciate the little things like I used to.  I don't take the time to notice the color and shape of a flower; I walk to quickly to even truly observe it, it is merely a splash of color in my day.

I don't know how I feel about my personal relationships with people.  I have all of these beautiful new friends, as I've already said, but I don't feel that I've truly connected with these people the way that I have with my old friends, who have spread across the state like dandelion seeds.  Please don't misinterpret, I love my life here.  I am in no way shape or form jealous that I didn't leave.  This place is my home.  I have school pride, and I desire to better my adopted community.  I just miss that instant connection with my friends.  The old inside jokes, the ability to relate it to "that one time in 7th grade with our English teacher."  Those are the things I miss. 

I guess this is the problem.  I am willing to work and try and build something for so long before I tend to flake out.  This problem happens all of the time, particularly in relationships, and I am so tired of it.  I don't mean to jump ship, but I somehow do, swimming 50 meters away before I even realize what is going on.  In the words of Arizona Robbins "I bail".  But I don't bail when times get tough; I bail while things still seem to be going great.  I freak out, bail, and have no explanation for what happened.

So I guess this 1:20 am rambling is to say I'm sorry.  I don't know how to fix it, and I love the rest of my life so much that, in the end, I loose perspective.

Roll With The Punches

So one hell week is over, and the second about to start.  I feel like there isn't any time to catch my breath, just enough time to send up a quick prayer and hope I can make it through.  I feel like I'm already starting to burn myself out.  I've never looked forward to a break so much in my life.  The thought of a free day is unheard of.  A free afternoon? Lucky.  I really just want to relax, kick back and hang out with friends.

Friends, that is a rough subject lately.  In the last week I've had people say they don't know what they would do without me, and then two hours later I get reprimanded for my opinions (harsh as they may be- I realize that now) and then told that people worry about me.  Maybe this would mean more to me if I didn't feel like the same people with the criticisms are doing the exact same that I am.  Maybe I have changed, grown, matured, whatever you want to call it.  Maybe I find it hard to connect with people because we are living polar opposite lives, taking the road less traveled by, or simply growing apart.

I've been aching for the past lately.  More nostalgia than I can remember.  I miss that time my freshman year when I wrote a paper sitting outside in a random parking lot in 45 degree weather.  I miss going out to the old bridge behind my house and talking for hours, I miss watching the rain fall on the pool and making up stories.  I miss watching the sunset and sunrise in one sitting, without homework being the cause.  I miss reading books for fun, or finishing a book in a single sitting.

I've been aching for the future lately.  I'm wanting to finally feel "grown up".  I put that in parentheses because I feel like almost  everything I do is responsiblew lately.  I work 30 hours a week, attend meetings every day, work on homework and extra projects, and I have to schedule hang out time two or three weeks in advance in some cases.  All of that screams adult, or at least my vision of adult, yet I feel like such a child at times.  Surely I wont' feel like this forever? So when is the cut off?  When will I look around and say "yes, this is what it should be".  College years are awkward, mainly because you're a student-as you have been for your entire life- but now you're an adult with other expectations.  I want the full time job and the time to go home and relax.  I wish my weekends weren't consumed with my extracurriculars so I could go on a weekend getaway.

What it really boils down to, I've realized, is that I want to be in any moment that isn't right now.  This semester has been so rough, and I can't even truly explain why.  I take the Wellbeing finder, and it showed that my two lowest points were recruitment prep and last week.  I can totally understand that.  I need to be thankful that 90% of the time my life is at an 8 or 9, and when it drops to 5 I just need to grin and bear it.

Here's to a good week, filled with pomping, events, meetings, and schoolwork.

#blogitout

So, I haven't written in almost 6 months, which is good and bad I suppose.  I started writing in a real journal, something about pen to paper is just comforting.  I'm not going to play catch up in my life, or talk about things of the past that no longer matter.  I've obviously come out on the other side of whatever struggle I've had.  So why post now? I don't know.  I have a mound of homework that isn't going to do itself, 48 unread emails, and a slew of other people's problems to deal with.  So should I sit here and waste time? No.  Yet here I sit.  I used this comparison all summer, but I really do feel like life is like a deck of cards.  Except during the summer I said that someone was about to throw the cards up in the air to watch the chaos.  Now I feel like I missed the actual action of watching the cards go up in the air, but I have the aftermath to look at.   Everything is fragmented.  Everything feels different.  I'm questioning myself on things I never used to think twice about (career, involvement, etc.) and the things I used to worry about (relationships, grades, family, etc) are hardly on my mind.  I'm not finding pleasure in the things I used to love, and I'm liking people a hell of a lot less than I used to.  Now I love my job, but no one ever really warned me on how hard it was to monitor 43 people.  43 people with strong opinions and loud mouths and great ideas.  Where do I draw the line on reining people in for the sake of the group and letting people grow into their "new selves".  It is so hard to maintain a social life outside of the program when all I do is talk about it.  I feel like I'm married to the program.  It's what I talk about, think about..hell, I'm surprised I haven't had a dream about it.  No, my most recent dreams are my friends dying.  I'm choosing to ignore any symbolism behind this.  I forget I'm a student.  I don't care about a single class that I'm in, except Pilates.  I love Pilates.  I hate most of what I'm doing, yet my Wellbeing score sits at a comfy 8 or 9.  I don't  understand.  I guess this is a rant because I don't feel like I can say any of these things the way I feel...and I don't think I can even type them out the way I feel, but I don't' have to justify it to the world wide web.  Just words.  Ugh.  I didn't even find this relaxing, just more frustrating.  Oh well, what's another day.