So one hell week is over, and the second about to start. I feel like there isn't any time to catch my breath, just enough time to send up a quick prayer and hope I can make it through. I feel like I'm already starting to burn myself out. I've never looked forward to a break so much in my life. The thought of a free day is unheard of. A free afternoon? Lucky. I really just want to relax, kick back and hang out with friends.
Friends, that is a rough subject lately. In the last week I've had people say they don't know what they would do without me, and then two hours later I get reprimanded for my opinions (harsh as they may be- I realize that now) and then told that people worry about me. Maybe this would mean more to me if I didn't feel like the same people with the criticisms are doing the exact same that I am. Maybe I have changed, grown, matured, whatever you want to call it. Maybe I find it hard to connect with people because we are living polar opposite lives, taking the road less traveled by, or simply growing apart.
I've been aching for the past lately. More nostalgia than I can remember. I miss that time my freshman year when I wrote a paper sitting outside in a random parking lot in 45 degree weather. I miss going out to the old bridge behind my house and talking for hours, I miss watching the rain fall on the pool and making up stories. I miss watching the sunset and sunrise in one sitting, without homework being the cause. I miss reading books for fun, or finishing a book in a single sitting.
I've been aching for the future lately. I'm wanting to finally feel "grown up". I put that in parentheses because I feel like almost everything I do is responsiblew lately. I work 30 hours a week, attend meetings every day, work on homework and extra projects, and I have to schedule hang out time two or three weeks in advance in some cases. All of that screams adult, or at least my vision of adult, yet I feel like such a child at times. Surely I wont' feel like this forever? So when is the cut off? When will I look around and say "yes, this is what it should be". College years are awkward, mainly because you're a student-as you have been for your entire life- but now you're an adult with other expectations. I want the full time job and the time to go home and relax. I wish my weekends weren't consumed with my extracurriculars so I could go on a weekend getaway.
What it really boils down to, I've realized, is that I want to be in any moment that isn't right now. This semester has been so rough, and I can't even truly explain why. I take the Wellbeing finder, and it showed that my two lowest points were recruitment prep and last week. I can totally understand that. I need to be thankful that 90% of the time my life is at an 8 or 9, and when it drops to 5 I just need to grin and bear it.
Here's to a good week, filled with pomping, events, meetings, and schoolwork.
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