#blogitout

So, I haven't written in almost 6 months, which is good and bad I suppose.  I started writing in a real journal, something about pen to paper is just comforting.  I'm not going to play catch up in my life, or talk about things of the past that no longer matter.  I've obviously come out on the other side of whatever struggle I've had.  So why post now? I don't know.  I have a mound of homework that isn't going to do itself, 48 unread emails, and a slew of other people's problems to deal with.  So should I sit here and waste time? No.  Yet here I sit.  I used this comparison all summer, but I really do feel like life is like a deck of cards.  Except during the summer I said that someone was about to throw the cards up in the air to watch the chaos.  Now I feel like I missed the actual action of watching the cards go up in the air, but I have the aftermath to look at.   Everything is fragmented.  Everything feels different.  I'm questioning myself on things I never used to think twice about (career, involvement, etc.) and the things I used to worry about (relationships, grades, family, etc) are hardly on my mind.  I'm not finding pleasure in the things I used to love, and I'm liking people a hell of a lot less than I used to.  Now I love my job, but no one ever really warned me on how hard it was to monitor 43 people.  43 people with strong opinions and loud mouths and great ideas.  Where do I draw the line on reining people in for the sake of the group and letting people grow into their "new selves".  It is so hard to maintain a social life outside of the program when all I do is talk about it.  I feel like I'm married to the program.  It's what I talk about, think about..hell, I'm surprised I haven't had a dream about it.  No, my most recent dreams are my friends dying.  I'm choosing to ignore any symbolism behind this.  I forget I'm a student.  I don't care about a single class that I'm in, except Pilates.  I love Pilates.  I hate most of what I'm doing, yet my Wellbeing score sits at a comfy 8 or 9.  I don't  understand.  I guess this is a rant because I don't feel like I can say any of these things the way I feel...and I don't think I can even type them out the way I feel, but I don't' have to justify it to the world wide web.  Just words.  Ugh.  I didn't even find this relaxing, just more frustrating.  Oh well, what's another day.