Funny way of working out

Life has a funny way of working out sometimes. Even if everything isn't perfect I feel like it might get better in the future and that's all I need. I still want to step back and run away. But I know I can't do that.

Operation Step Back

So I am tired of holding onto so much anger and hatred and annoyance for something that is out of my control and none of my business. Instead of caring about the outcome I am going to slowly step back and away from everyone involved and recluse into my default world of work, books, and movies. I've said my piece and that has given me the peace to step away. I'm done trying.

Emotionally stunted

I feel as if I have become emotionally stunted in the last few years. I used to love the thought of dating people and finding the right person. After a life chat with one of my friends I realized that even if the perfect person was nearby I would still bail. I need to either go far far away and grow up or have someone shake me out of my comfort zone. My stomach is killing me right now from some ill prepared food, but it could have just as easily been the thoughts of the future that crossed mind.

Lesson Learned

So I just got done having a life-changing moment. And I know it sounds silly, but I just had a truly amazing moment. I was sitting in the library with a few of the people that I am supposed to try and guide. The conversation that resulted was mind blowing. One of my peers divulged the story of their past, it's ramifications on their life now, and their hope that it won't influence their future in a negative way. I have never considered my life to be so blessed or sheltered. At the same time I can't remember when I've felt so honored. This conversation appeared out of no where and was 1 hour of my life that I would gladly relive. The diversity and adversity in a person's background can shape them into truly admirable people. This is rarely the case, but when it does happen it is like a rare diamond. It made me think of life as a form of Manifest Destiny or "The Road Less Traveled" by Robert Frost. Your life is what you make it. It is mind over matter, but it does matter what you do. Never take a moment for granted, especially the ones spent with others. Life can be beautiful if you take the chance to look around.

So thank you, dear friend, because my worries are no longer worries, just something to work through.

Different

So for some reason all of the things that used to feel normal and right now feel wrong. Things I used to do all of the time, like watching a movie or studying for a test, feel different. Something has shifted, and I don't want to figure out why. I think if I know the answer it will just confuse things more. I just want to travel and get away from the box I've built around myself.in this small unforgiving town

In Too Deep

So it is 3:30am, and I can't help but feel like real life just reached over and slapped me in the face. I've been so busy I can't sleep, but I guess that isn't a new development. I feel burned out, worn down, and just simply exhausted. In the last few weeks I haven't taken the time to truly process myself and what I want, or to take a daily assessment of my frame of mind. I feel like I'm drowning and don't know if I'm swimming up or down.

I say all of this and realize just how ridiculous it sounds. This is one rough night, but I am writing this now-during this one night- so it for suck.

I love and hate my job, my classes, where I live.

I guess I'm just fidgety right now. I need something to stabilize me out.

Is this the real world?

I find it interesting to read back over my blog posts.  I enjoy gauging my thoughts, thinking back to the moments I thought were so crucial, some of which were and the others weren't.

I've finished my fifth semester, and it feels so odd.  I've learned that I will be graduating in a year, and I couldn't be more excited or utterly terrified.  I feel that it will be the right time for me.  I can go out still feeling strong within myself and my commitments, as well as move on with the rest of the plans for my life.

I've had a lot of moments in the last few weeks where I have some adult moments.  I have a day that makes me feel as if I'm 5 years older.  A few weeks ago I was at a Christmas party.  The difference is that this one was filled with homemade appetizers and was an invite-only kind of night.  While driving home I felt like I was supposed to pay a babysitter when I walked through my front door.  The next day was filled with shopping in Dallas and then a wonderfully nice dinner at a 5 star restaurant followed by my roommate's birthday celebration.  The next day I woke up to watch my friend run a marathon, come back to watch the matinee performance of The Nutcracker and then go to a holiday get together with some of my closest girl friends.  Even writing out the details of that one weekend sounds unbearably pretentious.  But the thing is, I loved every moment of it.  My Winter break thus far has been filled with sweet family encounters, nice moments with friends, crazy adventures, and calm moments of solitude.  Take today for example.  Woke up from a sleepover with my sister and one of our best friends, then spent the morning cleaning and picked up my brothers from school, went to lunch with my siblings and then shopping and ice cream.  I went hiking with one of my closest and best friends, followed by dinner and a drive home with my favorite music.  I spent my evening addressing 50 envelopes, finishing a book on autism, starting a Kennedy biography, watching bridal shows and Friends, and now I sit on the bed watching Pride and Prejudice with a mixed drink in one hand and the other typing away on my laptop.  This could be my life in 5 years, and I think I would be perfectly okay with that.

I am scared about applying for the Peace Corps.  It's something I want so much, and it is so competitive and  can put my life on hold if they say no.  I really have the best intentions.  I really do want to make a difference, to leave a sustainable project that people can carry on.  I want to understand a culture completely unlike my own, and to break any stereotypes people may have of America.  I want it all.  I want it all so bad, and I have this gut feeling that it won't go in my favor.  Oh well, time to breathe and think happy thoughts.

On a different note, I'm loving this Kennedy biography I bought.  I am only 20 pages in, but I love everything about Jackie Kennedy and the way she lived her life, maybe this will change in the next 400 pages, but right now I am all about the Kennedy family. 

Time to curl up in bed and continue reading.  I don't know the point of this post.  I suppose I just wanted to type it out.