Because of you I grew up fast. I learned how to put others before myself, and I learned a lot of valuable life skills and lessons that I think gave me a jump start on life. When I meet new people I tend to get a lot of "wow, you're mature for your age" and I just laugh and say that I'm an old soul, rather than explaining that my dad has chronic progressive multiple sclerosis and is in a wheelchair. That I learned to co-parent, for lack of a better word, with a parent. How to be the shoulder you cried on while I cried on your shoulder. I learned what a mutual support system was. How beautiful (and messy-literally) it could be to lean on someone whenever you needed to.
Because of you I learned to love fiercely and to tell the people in my life that they matter. I grew up knowing that time could be precious so you have to make the most of whatever moment you're in. I learned that, contrary to what I was always told, words can be just as memorable as actions. I may not remember the last time you were able to hug me, but I know that I never went a single phone-call without hearing you say you love me and how proud you were of me. I was able to hang my hat on that whenever I questioned if I was making the right choice.
Because of you I learned that humor doesn't always solve the problem, but it makes you laugh in the moment, and sometimes that's the only medicine that works. I learned that sometimes you can't find the right words, and that sometimes simply agreeing that something sucks and sitting in silence is okay. I learned that you will never have all of the answers or reasoning, but to simply sit back and have faith and let things happen as they may.
Because of you I learned a little bit about being selfless. It was always in the little things, like taking your young daughters to paint pottery for hours on end, after you lost the use of your hands, and simply sitting there and being enamored of our mediocre artwork and jokingly calling it "Killin' Dad" instead of "Kiln Time". I learned that doing things to help others can provide just as much comfort to you as to them. I learned that this comfort is the best kind because it is done without assumption or expectation. It is motivated by love, and when things are motivated by love it will always go the way it should, even if it's not the way you want.
Because of you I learned to be selfish. I learned that sometimes you have to do what you feel is right in your heart, even if it goes against everything you've thought or believed. I know that you were frustrated when I moved across the country, but I have always been your daughter, so I don't know why you were surprised. At least I stayed in the country. I also know that you are proud of me for living my life the way I need to. Thank you for supporting me, even when we all didn't quite understand why. You just (mostly) got it when I said I needed to move, and I will always be thankful.
Because of you I learned that it was possible (and okay) to be angry and still have faith. You also taught me to believe that faith could come in a variety of forms, and that I should never close myself off to the possibility of more. I don't mean more in a cosmic sense, although I sort of do. I mean more in the fact that you constantly challenged me to grow my knowledge. I remember playing with the globe and spinning it, around and around, and then stopping it suddenly with my finger. You would either regale me with a story of when you'd been there, or you and I would sit and wait for the CD-ROM with the Encyclopedia to load so we could learn about it, together. I remember seeing a trailer for a movie called "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" and you said you wouldn't take me to see it until I read the book. Little did you know that I would have read all of the released books by the time the first movie came out. Thank you for introducing me to that magic. It has changed me. You taught me to believe in the things that matter to me, and that I could damn anyone else's opinion who told me to think otherwise.
Because of you I grew up knowing the power of music. Take right now for example, the house is full of family and friends sharing stories, crying and laughing, and I find the most comfort sitting back in your room, staring at your empty bed and listening to my "Dad Jams" playlist. I swear I can feel you singing along to "Black Dog" and "Radar Love". You showed me how to shut off my mind and lose myself in the music.
Because of you I learned the power of a story. I can say with confidence that every person you've met has walked away with one of your stories, whether it was your "World's Worst DWI" trophy or talking about your time living in Japan with the girl who broke your heart..or hearing some of those awful jokes, over and over. "What does a cow order at Starbucks? De-CALF...get it, get it?" I think of all the stories I've heard you share, our bedtime stories were my favorite. You were so convincing that I never wondered how a boy and his best friend, who just happened to be a robot, could get out of so many sticky situations while they traveled the world with his parents. I learned that the words you wove could build a sense of community so strong that people have always returned to you, like moths drawn to a flame.
So, daddy, thank you for everything. For making me into who I am. It will suck. It will suck a lot, but because of you I know that Emily and I will be okay. We just miss you, but we know you are whole now. Thank God.
No comments:
Post a Comment