Different

So for some reason all of the things that used to feel normal and right now feel wrong. Things I used to do all of the time, like watching a movie or studying for a test, feel different. Something has shifted, and I don't want to figure out why. I think if I know the answer it will just confuse things more. I just want to travel and get away from the box I've built around myself.in this small unforgiving town

In Too Deep

So it is 3:30am, and I can't help but feel like real life just reached over and slapped me in the face. I've been so busy I can't sleep, but I guess that isn't a new development. I feel burned out, worn down, and just simply exhausted. In the last few weeks I haven't taken the time to truly process myself and what I want, or to take a daily assessment of my frame of mind. I feel like I'm drowning and don't know if I'm swimming up or down.

I say all of this and realize just how ridiculous it sounds. This is one rough night, but I am writing this now-during this one night- so it for suck.

I love and hate my job, my classes, where I live.

I guess I'm just fidgety right now. I need something to stabilize me out.

Is this the real world?

I find it interesting to read back over my blog posts.  I enjoy gauging my thoughts, thinking back to the moments I thought were so crucial, some of which were and the others weren't.

I've finished my fifth semester, and it feels so odd.  I've learned that I will be graduating in a year, and I couldn't be more excited or utterly terrified.  I feel that it will be the right time for me.  I can go out still feeling strong within myself and my commitments, as well as move on with the rest of the plans for my life.

I've had a lot of moments in the last few weeks where I have some adult moments.  I have a day that makes me feel as if I'm 5 years older.  A few weeks ago I was at a Christmas party.  The difference is that this one was filled with homemade appetizers and was an invite-only kind of night.  While driving home I felt like I was supposed to pay a babysitter when I walked through my front door.  The next day was filled with shopping in Dallas and then a wonderfully nice dinner at a 5 star restaurant followed by my roommate's birthday celebration.  The next day I woke up to watch my friend run a marathon, come back to watch the matinee performance of The Nutcracker and then go to a holiday get together with some of my closest girl friends.  Even writing out the details of that one weekend sounds unbearably pretentious.  But the thing is, I loved every moment of it.  My Winter break thus far has been filled with sweet family encounters, nice moments with friends, crazy adventures, and calm moments of solitude.  Take today for example.  Woke up from a sleepover with my sister and one of our best friends, then spent the morning cleaning and picked up my brothers from school, went to lunch with my siblings and then shopping and ice cream.  I went hiking with one of my closest and best friends, followed by dinner and a drive home with my favorite music.  I spent my evening addressing 50 envelopes, finishing a book on autism, starting a Kennedy biography, watching bridal shows and Friends, and now I sit on the bed watching Pride and Prejudice with a mixed drink in one hand and the other typing away on my laptop.  This could be my life in 5 years, and I think I would be perfectly okay with that.

I am scared about applying for the Peace Corps.  It's something I want so much, and it is so competitive and  can put my life on hold if they say no.  I really have the best intentions.  I really do want to make a difference, to leave a sustainable project that people can carry on.  I want to understand a culture completely unlike my own, and to break any stereotypes people may have of America.  I want it all.  I want it all so bad, and I have this gut feeling that it won't go in my favor.  Oh well, time to breathe and think happy thoughts.

On a different note, I'm loving this Kennedy biography I bought.  I am only 20 pages in, but I love everything about Jackie Kennedy and the way she lived her life, maybe this will change in the next 400 pages, but right now I am all about the Kennedy family. 

Time to curl up in bed and continue reading.  I don't know the point of this post.  I suppose I just wanted to type it out.

Myers Briggs Assessment

Here we go. I copied all of this from this website


INFJ Relationships

INFJs are warm and affirming people who are usually also deep and complex. They're likely to seek out and promote relationships that are intense and meaningful. They tend to be perfectionists, and are always striving for the Ultimate Relationship. For the most part, this is a positive feature, but sometimes works against the INFJ if they fall into the habit of moving from relationship to relationship, always in search of a more perfect partner. In general, the INFJ is a deeply warm and caring person who is highly invested in the health of their close relationships, and puts forth a lot of effort to make them positive. They are valued by those close to them for these special qualities. They seek long-term, lifelong relationships, although they don't always find them.


INFJ Strengths

Warm and affirming by nature
Dedicated to achieving the ultimate relationship
Sensitive and concerned for others' feelings
Usually have good communication skills, especially written
Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)
Good listeners
Are able to move on after a relationship has ended (once they're sure it's over)


INFJ Weaknesses

Tendency to hold back part of themselves
Not good with money or practical day-to-day life necessities
Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)
Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship


INFJs as Lovers


INFJs are warm, considerate partners who feel great depth of love for their partners. They enjoy showing this love, and want to receive affirmation back from their mates.

They are perfectionists, constantly striving to achieve the Perfect Relationship. This can sometimes be frustrating to their mates, who may feel put upon by the INFJs demanding perfectionism. However, it may also be greatly appreciated, because it indicates a sincere commitment to the relationship, and a depth of caring which is not usually present in other types.

Sexually, INFJs view intimacy as a nearly spiritual experience. They embrace the opportunity to bond heart and soul with their mates. As service-oriented individuals, it's very important to them that their mates are happy. Intimacy is an opportunity for the INFJ to selflessly give their love, and experience it in a tangible way.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, INFJ's natural partner is the ENTP, or the ENFP. INFJ's dominant function of Introverted Intuition is best matched with a personality type that is dominated by Extraverted Intuition.


INFJs as Parents


INFJs usually make warm and caring parents. Their goal is to help their children become adults who know the difference between right and wrong, and who are independent, growth-oriented individuals.

Along the path to that goal they are generally very warm and caring, and are likely to treat their children as individuals who have a voice in family decisions. They want their children to be able to think for themselves, and make the right decisions. They also can be quite demanding on their children, and may have very high expectations for their behavior. Although they are generally soft-spoken and gentle, they may become stubborn and sharp-tongued at times when their expectations aren't met, or when under a lot of stress.

INFJs take their parenting role with ultimate seriousness. They will make sacrifices for the sake of their children without a second thought, and without remorse. Passing on their values to their children is a serious priority in their lives. Children of INFJs remember their parents fondly as warm, patient, and inspirational.


INFJs as Friends

Although the INFJ is likely to put friends behind their God and their families in terms of importance, they do value their friendships. As idealists who have strong value systems, INFJs seek authenticity and depth in their close relationships, and especially value people who can see and appreciate the INFJ for who they are and what they stand for.

The INFJ is likely to spend a lot of time socialing with family members. If they are religious, they probably are social with members of their religious community. After that, the INFJ may have friends represented from any of the personality types. They are usually extremely intuitive individuals, who will have no patience for anyone they feel is dishonest or corrupt. They'll have no interest in being around these kinds of people.

All kinds of people are drawn towards the INFJ. They are usually quite popular, although they may be unaware of it themselves, because they don't place a lot of importance on it.

The INFJ is valued by their close friends for their warmth and consideration, their new and interesting ways of looking at things, and for their ability to inspire and motivate others to be the best that they can be.

Found an unpublished post from April 4, 2012 1:20am

So I found the following post saved under my drafts from Spring semester.  I think it's funny that despite the 7th month gap my feelings are still basically the same.


So many conflicting influences in my life right now.

There are so many truly beautiful people in my life right now, both inside and out, and every single day I aspire to  better embody some of those qualities.

In the past few weeks I have had more social stress than I believed possible, but because of those days and nights I can literally feel myself growing into the person I am meant to be.  How cool is that?  I love those almost existential moments, where I observe myself and realize where I will go because of this moment.

I've realized that my definition of a "full life" may be a bit skewed, but that is what I believe the summer is for.  As I've always said: Summer is the time to understand who you are.  School is the time to question everything you thought you knew.  

I can feel that I've lost myself a little bit this school year.  I don't appreciate the little things like I used to.  I don't take the time to notice the color and shape of a flower; I walk to quickly to even truly observe it, it is merely a splash of color in my day.

I don't know how I feel about my personal relationships with people.  I have all of these beautiful new friends, as I've already said, but I don't feel that I've truly connected with these people the way that I have with my old friends, who have spread across the state like dandelion seeds.  Please don't misinterpret, I love my life here.  I am in no way shape or form jealous that I didn't leave.  This place is my home.  I have school pride, and I desire to better my adopted community.  I just miss that instant connection with my friends.  The old inside jokes, the ability to relate it to "that one time in 7th grade with our English teacher."  Those are the things I miss. 

I guess this is the problem.  I am willing to work and try and build something for so long before I tend to flake out.  This problem happens all of the time, particularly in relationships, and I am so tired of it.  I don't mean to jump ship, but I somehow do, swimming 50 meters away before I even realize what is going on.  In the words of Arizona Robbins "I bail".  But I don't bail when times get tough; I bail while things still seem to be going great.  I freak out, bail, and have no explanation for what happened.

So I guess this 1:20 am rambling is to say I'm sorry.  I don't know how to fix it, and I love the rest of my life so much that, in the end, I loose perspective.

Roll With The Punches

So one hell week is over, and the second about to start.  I feel like there isn't any time to catch my breath, just enough time to send up a quick prayer and hope I can make it through.  I feel like I'm already starting to burn myself out.  I've never looked forward to a break so much in my life.  The thought of a free day is unheard of.  A free afternoon? Lucky.  I really just want to relax, kick back and hang out with friends.

Friends, that is a rough subject lately.  In the last week I've had people say they don't know what they would do without me, and then two hours later I get reprimanded for my opinions (harsh as they may be- I realize that now) and then told that people worry about me.  Maybe this would mean more to me if I didn't feel like the same people with the criticisms are doing the exact same that I am.  Maybe I have changed, grown, matured, whatever you want to call it.  Maybe I find it hard to connect with people because we are living polar opposite lives, taking the road less traveled by, or simply growing apart.

I've been aching for the past lately.  More nostalgia than I can remember.  I miss that time my freshman year when I wrote a paper sitting outside in a random parking lot in 45 degree weather.  I miss going out to the old bridge behind my house and talking for hours, I miss watching the rain fall on the pool and making up stories.  I miss watching the sunset and sunrise in one sitting, without homework being the cause.  I miss reading books for fun, or finishing a book in a single sitting.

I've been aching for the future lately.  I'm wanting to finally feel "grown up".  I put that in parentheses because I feel like almost  everything I do is responsiblew lately.  I work 30 hours a week, attend meetings every day, work on homework and extra projects, and I have to schedule hang out time two or three weeks in advance in some cases.  All of that screams adult, or at least my vision of adult, yet I feel like such a child at times.  Surely I wont' feel like this forever? So when is the cut off?  When will I look around and say "yes, this is what it should be".  College years are awkward, mainly because you're a student-as you have been for your entire life- but now you're an adult with other expectations.  I want the full time job and the time to go home and relax.  I wish my weekends weren't consumed with my extracurriculars so I could go on a weekend getaway.

What it really boils down to, I've realized, is that I want to be in any moment that isn't right now.  This semester has been so rough, and I can't even truly explain why.  I take the Wellbeing finder, and it showed that my two lowest points were recruitment prep and last week.  I can totally understand that.  I need to be thankful that 90% of the time my life is at an 8 or 9, and when it drops to 5 I just need to grin and bear it.

Here's to a good week, filled with pomping, events, meetings, and schoolwork.

#blogitout

So, I haven't written in almost 6 months, which is good and bad I suppose.  I started writing in a real journal, something about pen to paper is just comforting.  I'm not going to play catch up in my life, or talk about things of the past that no longer matter.  I've obviously come out on the other side of whatever struggle I've had.  So why post now? I don't know.  I have a mound of homework that isn't going to do itself, 48 unread emails, and a slew of other people's problems to deal with.  So should I sit here and waste time? No.  Yet here I sit.  I used this comparison all summer, but I really do feel like life is like a deck of cards.  Except during the summer I said that someone was about to throw the cards up in the air to watch the chaos.  Now I feel like I missed the actual action of watching the cards go up in the air, but I have the aftermath to look at.   Everything is fragmented.  Everything feels different.  I'm questioning myself on things I never used to think twice about (career, involvement, etc.) and the things I used to worry about (relationships, grades, family, etc) are hardly on my mind.  I'm not finding pleasure in the things I used to love, and I'm liking people a hell of a lot less than I used to.  Now I love my job, but no one ever really warned me on how hard it was to monitor 43 people.  43 people with strong opinions and loud mouths and great ideas.  Where do I draw the line on reining people in for the sake of the group and letting people grow into their "new selves".  It is so hard to maintain a social life outside of the program when all I do is talk about it.  I feel like I'm married to the program.  It's what I talk about, think about..hell, I'm surprised I haven't had a dream about it.  No, my most recent dreams are my friends dying.  I'm choosing to ignore any symbolism behind this.  I forget I'm a student.  I don't care about a single class that I'm in, except Pilates.  I love Pilates.  I hate most of what I'm doing, yet my Wellbeing score sits at a comfy 8 or 9.  I don't  understand.  I guess this is a rant because I don't feel like I can say any of these things the way I feel...and I don't think I can even type them out the way I feel, but I don't' have to justify it to the world wide web.  Just words.  Ugh.  I didn't even find this relaxing, just more frustrating.  Oh well, what's another day.